CLOSING CYCLES

this makes sense to me right now, it's just that i can't up and leave. still feel a responsibility to some things...

CLOSING CYCLES by Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return; do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Sorta Kilig Moment

I was out and having a horrible time. I was at a rave and venue was horrible. It was hot and humid and tons of people showed up. The DJ couldn't keep the music up. It would be good then drop. Ack...

I had about two drinks then I dragged my friends out. Thank God it was cool outside. Two of my friends decided to go to a club. I couldn't leave the friend I was with, he was the one that gave a me a ticket. And he wanted to stay. But I couldn't act like I was enjoying myself. I kept saying sorry. And he understood.

Grudgingly I went back in and decided that I was going to enjoy the night. I just needed to be drunk to do it. God! A round of drinks please.

Surprisingly a number of friends I haven't seen were there. It was good to see them and catch up (a bit0. And right when I was starting to enjoy myself, one of the roving waiters with a bucket full of ice and beer dropped his bucket. Right beside me, and water came rushing toward me. And I was in flip flops. Yes.

Grrr. My friend immediately pulled me aside. Too late. He could see I was not a happy raver. Berna wipe your feet on my pants. What? Wipe your feet on my pants. Are you sure? Yes, I'll have the pants washed. So there we were right by the entrance, my hand on his shoulder and I was wiping my feet on his pants. You are such a friend!

Another drink please! And then I saw this guy I've been crushing on. He is so hot, lust runs through me whenever I see him. HHAAYYYY! Sorry po, tao lang po.

So I'm officially tipsy and my friend gives me a vodka red bull. Half way through it I don't notice the heat, the humidity, the crowd of people. I am enjoying myself. My friend asks me to go in front of the DJ. I agree and start off into the crowd.

But I have an ulterior motive. I wanna see HIM. I spot him and stop behind to group that he's in. And I know I won't be seen. So I motion to my friends and move closer. As in a person away. I keep him in my peripheral vision. So how is this a sorta kilig moment? He was looking around and when he saw me he took a good look. Yes. Sorta kilig moment nga eh.

Buti na lang mababaw ako ;-)

Apartment

I'm living alone. All by myself in an apartment.

But I think it's just a technicality. Coz it's still in the same compound as my mom's house. And I'm living there for free.

A background: my mom and I haven't been getting along for a year now. Our relationship really just fell apart. Patong patong na yung galit namin sa isa't isa.

Earlier this year I was hoping that my friends and I would get a place together. But that plan fell through. So I've continued living at home, and not talking to my mom.

About a month ago my mom comes up to me and tells me to move my stuff to one of the vacant apartments. She's gonna have the house repaired.

I couldn't believe my ears. I'd secretly been wishing for her to do this.

And the apartment is furnished. Which I didn't expect. And she recently gave me a TV. But we're still not talking. I find it so weird. A friend told me that I'll probably see car keys next. But that I totally doubt! Then again...haha

Could it be said that she's trying to make up for things by letting me stay in the apartment and giving me things. But not actually talking to me. Diba ang weird? I really don't know what to make of it.

I've learned to accept what is given to me. And I'm enjoying living alone. It's stress free :-)

I Know Why You Didn't Go...

"I Know Why You Didn't Go..." said in a singsong voice.

It's what someone would say if they were teasing you. Surprisingly I wasn't annoyed when a friend said this to me. Buti na lang cute siya! ;-)

The event was the baptism of the daughter of a friend of ours. And he was referring to an ex. The whole ex and me is a long story. Which I will never type and let everyone see. So let your imaginations go wild.

I know why you didn't go. He was there.

That wasn't the reason why I didn't go. I wasn't invited.

A look of shock registers on his face.

Our friend told me that there would be a baptism. When I greeted her a happy birthday earlier that week she thanked me. An invitation didn't follow. So the night before the baptism I ask a common friend if he was invited. He said yeah. I told him I hadn't received a text. He said maybe because most likely the ex will be going.

Ouch. I wasn't invited because they were going? I don't want that to be a reason. I'm hoping it's cause it slipped their mind to invite me.

But then again everyone was invited. Hmm... Oh well. Just venting...

Letting It Being Known Without Saying It

I saw Romeo Luvs Jew'lhiett at the CCP, performed by Tanghalang Pilipino. It's their take on the classic, making it easier for Pinoys to relate to coz it's in Filipino and very jologs.

But that's not what I'm going to write about. I invited my friend, to go with me. We had met a month earlier and I left my umbrella in her car. I had been bugging her and she had time to meet me that Sunday.

I don't know why but I think that she has a hard time telling me things. Coz during the intermission she said that she had a favor to ask of me. What was it? She wanted me to be her wedding coordinator. Without actually saying that she is engaged. As simply as "Can you be my wedding coordinator? Don't worry may compensation naman e."

"WHAT?!" of course I didn't say that out loud. I told her I couldn't commit, especially for an event like that. Coz I'm not a wedding planner and my work schedule is erratic. I might not be able to do her justice. But I did offer to help her out in anyway I could.

A month earlier she had told me that since she had gotten back together with her boyfriend their relationship was going really well. I said as long as she's happy, I'm okay with it. She then told me that she's thinking of marrying him, that they're making plans. I said as long as she's happy, I'm okay with it.

Then when her boyfriend showed up he announced that he was going to her house tomorrow para mamanhikan. WHAT?! Then a month later she asks me to be her wedding planner without actually telling me that she was engaged. Again.

I really don't know what to think. I don't even know if I'm really happy for her. Coz all I've heard about her relationship are negative things. I JUST DON"T KNOW. But I don't wanna rain on her parade. So I'll be here waiting for stories/updates on her life.

An officemate told me that once your girlfriends get married it's hard to keep in touch with them. I think that is a possibility since we don't see each other now. I guess in a way I'm saying good bye to our friendship. Coz I can't really say that I actually know her. We've shared experiences in the past, but that was like a year ago or more. Nothing recent. So she was part of my life, but not anymore.

It makes me sad, but what can I do? People change. I'll still try to go out with her and find out about her life now. I don't see her as what she was to me. As I'm writing this I'm surprised that I'm not crying. It shows that I've moved on and accepted what is.

How sad.